I’ve just renewed this blog’s webspace and domain for another two years. Yeah, I know I hardly ever post lately and it would save me lots of money if I just retire it. For some reason – force of habit, maybe – I still chose to renew it.
Now I know why.
For years, I’ve used this blog to unload my thoughts and feelings about anything under the sun. At least, that’s how it used to be. Nowadays, I say something – STOP. I say and do NOTHING, and I still get judged. I know I sound incredibly pa-victim by saying that, but hell. If I can’t say exactly what I’m feeling right this moment on my own blog, where else can I say it? If you’re annoyed that I’m being a drama queen, feel free to go somewhere else.
True confession: In my more than two decades of being an active supporter of quite a number of artists, I have never shed as many tears as I am now. You could combine my years of being a fan of Ricky Martin, The Dawn and Rain – a period that spans many, many years – and the times I spent alone bawling my eyes out would not compare to the nearly two years that I’ve cried in this current fandom. You know why? Because in those many, many years that I have been a fan of those artists, I can freely speak my mind without being harshly judged. In those many, many years, something stupid happens and we’d just laugh it all off, or rant about it together.
Nowadays, I do something or even absolutely NOTHING, and people would either avoid me like the plague or keep silent out of fear of being bashed, or join in the collective bashing even if they have no idea exactly what did I do, if at all. I am the type of person who would either scream her head off, or bawl her eyes out. Without an outlet to unload my feelings, I am reduced to just wallowing in my own self-pity. Boo-hoo.
The other night, I ended the day by being annoyed that people are once again making a big issue out of absolutely nothing. I really don’t get it; there was nothing wrong with that Tweet – for the record, I didn’t write nor post that one; I don’t handle any of our group’s social media accounts – yet some people are reacting as if we killed someone. I shrugged it off and got some much needed sleep instead.
I woke up the following morning to a dressing down about that Tweet. I didn’t get it, neither. In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with it. Evidently, the only thing wrong with it is that it was posted at the wrong time. Read: everyone was dying with kilig, and we didn’t join in the bandwagon. Basag trip, ‘ika nga. What the hell, really.
So I just went on with my usual business for the day, away from all the fandom madness. Then I stumbled upon an email notification and discovered that apparently, I am in the middle of being maligned on socmed because of that Tweet. As in people are specifically tagging me and calling me all sorts of names because of it. I am automatically tagged as the culprit for something that, while I don’t disagree with because there was nothing wrong with it, I did not do. I was proclaimed guilty by association.
Everything just makes me really, REALLY sad, disappointed and just plain exhausted. I don’t know what exactly did I do to deserve this. It’s like being his fan is a sin and I should take all the punishment because I supported him too much. Far too much for their own liking, anyway. Ironically, I am currently on fan-from-a-distance mode. Believe it or not, the last time I actually got anywhere within a 10-ft radius from the guy was way back in January. Yet I still get all the crap even if I unwillingly chose to be hardly visible lately. Tapos magtataka pa sila bakit ako nawala. Tingin n’yo, bakit kaya?
I don’t regret any of the things I did for this fandom. It’s my choice and I have to live with it. Pero minsan nagtatanong na talaga ako sa sarili ko kung bakit parang ang martir (tanga?) ko na. And that’s not a good sign.
I’d probably regret writing this piece later but I feel that if I don’t, I might regret it more. If I continue to remain silent, I’ll develop this resentment and hatred for probably the wrong reasons or towards the wrong people. It’s funny because in the past, I really didn’t care who gets offended as long as I get things out of my chest. I guess it comes with age.
Sorry for rambling. Then again, why should I apologize. It’s my blog, I can say whatever the hell I want. Self-pity is the only thing working for me right now.