Return to innocence.

I made a K-pop comeback last weekend and realized something:

I miss the innocence of being a fan.

You know those times when you’re just starting to be a fan of a certain artist that every little thing that happens bring you so much excitement and joy? When you’re not jaded about all the fandom politics and not paranoid of the people around you? When you have little to no expectations, thus, everything you experience is a pleasant surprise?

Yeah, it all happened last weekend. And I realized to myself how much I missed all that.

As we were roaming around Mall of Asia grounds to get to the concert, I witnessed all the fan projects and activities and saw how everyone gets so excited at just receiving a small photocard or whatever memorabilia they could get. At first I was like, “I used to do that in my first few years as a Cloud; when my room got so cluttered, save for original merchandise everything went to trash afterwards.” :hihihi: But before they ended up in the trash bin, they made me really happy. I could feel what the young Carats were feeling that day and had a pang of nostalgia.

When my niece received a simple gesture of recognition from a Seventeen member, she was so ecstatic that I literally felt her whole body shaking from euphoria. I remembered the time when a simple moment like the idol noticing our FC banner felt like we won the grand lotto.

Everything was so simple then.

I asked myself: When was the last time I felt the pure bliss of innocent fangirling? I couldn’t remember anymore.

And that’s just sad.

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Goodbye, 2017. Hello, 2018!

For the first time since I started this blog and has been posting an annual retrospective of the year that passed, I am at a loss for words.

To say that 2017 was a roller coaster of ups and downs, both on my fangirling side and my personal side, is a total understatement. On the fangirl side, I started the year with a bang (a TV appearance) that quickly turned to a whimper (I got bashed into fandom oblivion and I haven’t recovered since). Midway through the year, I entered a new phase: the no-group phase. I was on a fandom limbo of sorts, which quickly turned into non-limbo. I’m not making sense, am I. :shrug: :lmao: What I’m really saying is, I thought my fangirling days with Alden Richards was over, but it wasn’t. It just went underground. Where it’s more fun. Haha!

Then, towards the end of the year, certain events ruffled the entire fandom and it made things much more interesting. I’m quite curious as to how things will pan out (which we might find out in a few hours, when Eat Bulaga resumes its live broadcast). Who knows, I just might go back to mainstream fangirling again. Not that anyone else is interested…

On the other side of my fangirling life: my Korean ship went total Titanic and they got married in 2017… to other people. :lmao: Fortunately, I’ve already moved on to other things when it happened. It became much easier to accept.

On the personal side, my career – as in my day job – in 2017 ended on a very high note with the unexpected promotion that I received on the last quarter of the year. But that last quarter also proved to be difficult as my family faced a very tough challenge, ie. both my parents getting seriously ill at the same time. :sad: I nearly spent Christmas and New Year at the hospital taking care of my mother (my father was hospitalized the week prior to that) but by the grace of God, we were discharged two days before New Year. Both of them are now recuperating at home and while they still have to undergo therapy and continuous medication, the fact that the entire family was able to welcome 2018 together at home is already a huge blessing. I truly thank the Lord for that. :pray:

The final few days of 2017 sent me a clear message: life will throw us challenges and adversities, but if we are steadfast in our faith and never give up, everything is going to be fine. It’s time to face the new year with a heart full of hope and positivity.

===

For someone who’s at a loss for words, I certainly wrote a lot, ‘no? :hihihi:

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Birthday 2017.

I’ve been on a roller-coaster ride since the latter part of 2016. I guess it’s just fitting that my birthday this year is like a roller-coaster ride, too. Heck, it’s the day after my birthday, and I’ve ridden a roller coaster of emotions the entire morning until noontime. :aargh: I hate my job. Sometimes.

As I reflect on how the year has been, I realized that everything that has happened to me particularly in the last two months comes with a lesson. That being, to borrow a line from a certain phenomenal star, not everyone who approaches you is true to you. I had to learn it the hard way, but I guess lessons like that really must be applied harshly to get the maximum effect.

The great thing is, I learned in the past few days/weeks that despite the growing number of people who seemed to have learned to dislike me, there are also more people who love and care for me regardless of who I am and what I have become, with some of them I haven’t even been in touch with for the longest time. They’re just there, waiting to welcome me with open arms. All I got to do is holler.

And to those who judged me, well… I can’t do anything about that. I say what I say and do what I do and I take full responsibility for it. Your understanding and perception of what I do or say is all yours.

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Since I celebrated my birthday by being, once again, a trending topic on socmed because I took a selfie with Alden in public :rolleyes: I just want to say a few things before I end this blog entry:

1. I’ve never talked about it openly since I didn’t feel the need to, ie. until recently: I am no longer a part of any Alden Richards fan club. I haven’t been one since the latter part of May 2017. I now fangirl on my own.

2. Since we’re on the subject, I’d also like to clarify that I was NOT, and never have been, a founder or main admin of any Alden Richards fan club. I am merely a member who was always designated as the ‘on-camera talent’ since none of the other FC members wanted their faces to be publicized. As this round face of mine has been on camera before in my previous fandoms, I am sort of the default choice. So again, quit referring to me as that person who formed that FC for whatever purpose.

3. And while we’re on the subject, may I just ask: why do some people keep on looking for me at Alden United? I am not, and never have been, a part of AU. :shrug: Don’t look for me at any fan club, for that matter. I personally know, and are still friends with people from different FCs, but I am no longer a member of any of it.

4. If anyone thinks that those nasty comments that were posted on IG about me yesterday made me mad or sad, well sorry guys. :lol: I haven’t laughed like that for the longest time, and that comment thread was my source of entertainment during my long travel time to and from work yesterday. :lmao: So I guess I owe those people for keeping me amused?

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Rambling thoughts.

I’ve just renewed this blog’s webspace and domain for another two years. Yeah, I know I hardly ever post lately and it would save me lots of money if I just retire it. For some reason – force of habit, maybe – I still chose to renew it.

Now I know why.

For years, I’ve used this blog to unload my thoughts and feelings about anything under the sun. At least, that’s how it used to be. Nowadays, I say something – STOP. I say and do NOTHING, and I still get judged. :shrug: I know I sound incredibly pa-victim by saying that, but hell. If I can’t say exactly what I’m feeling right this moment on my own blog, where else can I say it? If you’re annoyed that I’m being a drama queen, feel free to go somewhere else.

True confession: In my more than two decades of being an active supporter of quite a number of artists, I have never shed as many tears as I am now. You could combine my years of being a fan of Ricky Martin, The Dawn and Rain – a period that spans many, many years – and the times I spent alone bawling my eyes out would not compare to the nearly two years that I’ve cried in this current fandom. You know why? Because in those many, many years that I have been a fan of those artists, I can freely speak my mind without being harshly judged. In those many, many years, something stupid happens and we’d just laugh it all off, or rant about it together.

Nowadays, I do something or even absolutely NOTHING, and people would either avoid me like the plague or keep silent out of fear of being bashed, or join in the collective bashing even if they have no idea exactly what did I do, if at all. I am the type of person who would either scream her head off, or bawl her eyes out. Without an outlet to unload my feelings, I am reduced to just wallowing in my own self-pity. Boo-hoo.

The other night, I ended the day by being annoyed that people are once again making a big issue out of absolutely nothing. I really don’t get it; there was nothing wrong with that Tweet – for the record, I didn’t write nor post that one; I don’t handle any of our group’s social media accounts – yet some people are reacting as if we killed someone. I shrugged it off and got some much needed sleep instead.

I woke up the following morning to a dressing down about that Tweet. I didn’t get it, neither. In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with it. Evidently, the only thing wrong with it is that it was posted at the wrong time. Read: everyone was dying with kilig, and we didn’t join in the bandwagon. Basag trip, ‘ika nga. :rolleyes: What the hell, really.

So I just went on with my usual business for the day, away from all the fandom madness. Then I stumbled upon an email notification and discovered that apparently, I am in the middle of being maligned on socmed because of that Tweet. As in people are specifically tagging me and calling me all sorts of names because of it. I am automatically tagged as the culprit for something that, while I don’t disagree with because there was nothing wrong with it, I did not do. I was proclaimed guilty by association.

Everything just makes me really, REALLY sad, disappointed and just plain exhausted. I don’t know what exactly did I do to deserve this. It’s like being his fan is a sin and I should take all the punishment because I supported him too much. Far too much for their own liking, anyway. Ironically, I am currently on fan-from-a-distance mode. Believe it or not, the last time I actually got anywhere within a 10-ft radius from the guy was way back in January. Yet I still get all the crap even if I unwillingly chose to be hardly visible lately. Tapos magtataka pa sila bakit ako nawala. Tingin n’yo, bakit kaya?

I don’t regret any of the things I did for this fandom. It’s my choice and I have to live with it. Pero minsan nagtatanong na talaga ako sa sarili ko kung bakit parang ang martir (tanga?) ko na. And that’s not a good sign.

I’d probably regret writing this piece later but I feel that if I don’t, I might regret it more. If I continue to remain silent, I’ll develop this resentment and hatred for probably the wrong reasons or towards the wrong people. It’s funny because in the past, I really didn’t care who gets offended as long as I get things out of my chest. I guess it comes with age.

Sorry for rambling. Then again, why should I apologize. It’s my blog, I can say whatever the hell I want. Self-pity is the only thing working for me right now.

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The annual birthday post, 2016 edition.

My XXth year in existence can be summed up by what this guy said on his video greeting for me.

A video posted by Paulette Agent P (@agent_pau) on

Flashback to what I was doing on July 17, 2015: I celebrated my birthday through a staycation at a hotel with my Voltes friends, and I was telling Charity – who happens to be the original Alden Richards fan among us in Voltes, as in dates back to Alakdana days pa – that her ‘anak’ (she calls Alden her anak-anakan) was trending on social media because of something wonderful that happened at Eat… Bulaga! the previous day. At the time, I was already on fangirl retirement. I had no idea that from that point forward, I will find myself being plucked out from that self-imposed retirement and be sucked in deeper and deeper into the Alden Richards fandom.

One year ago, I had no idea that I will be spending my birthday week attending four – yes, FOUR – screenings of his movie; three of which in his presence, and two of which in super-close proximity. It would’ve been four out of four, pero sabi siguro ni Lord, “hoy Agent P, abuso na yan. Give chance to others.” :hihihi: I was feeling a bit down that I didn’t get to celebrate my actual birthday with Alden when he didn’t make it at the PEXers BS, but then something wonderful happened: I won something at the raffle, and that something happens to be something that I really need for my Singapore trip next week: a small luggage. Not to mention that I had so much fun at the BS. Not bad. Not bad at all.

PEXprize

One year ago, not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I will be receiving two video greetings from the guy. What the heck; a week ago, I was just thinking, “meron kayang magmamagandang loob na humingi ng video greeting kay RJ para sa birthday ko?” :think: Whadya know, all I asked was one. I was given two, and it was super-personalized. And one of them was given in my presence. I should not complain, at all.

All of this happened because I took his photos. That’s it. Amazing, right?

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful year. Here’s to a more fruitful, enjoyable and sana, hanash-free year ahead. (Pero asa pa sa last part; abusado ka na, Agent P!)

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