This is me using my blog for something that I used to do a lot in the past: ranting and unloading my feelings. If you’re into sunshines and daffodils and all that, skip this entry.

You know that thing when you feel grossly inadequate about everything? When you always feel that something is lacking, and it’s nobody’s fault but you just feel that nothing is going right? I’m in that mood right now. I really wish I can snap out of it, but I can’t. I’m sinking deeper and deeper in this hole.

The sad part is, people are actually LAUGHING at my misery. Guys, I’m serious. When I say I’m crying out of frustration, it’s not just being dramatic. I AM crying out of frustration.

Just to unload some of my misery (OK, I know it’s probably not as miserable as I thought it is, but I’m in this mood, ok) so that I can – hopefully – move on from it.

Last Sunday’s HLG mall show at Ayala Malls Cloverleaf was probably the most terrible experience I had in my history of attending mall shows. Yes, even more terrible than getting beat up by the crowd at Starmall Alabang when I had several people literally using me as a human tripod. Or that awful experience at the Say It Again album tour at Marquee Mall.

To be fair, I got there fairly late. Around 2:30pm, to be exact. I had other things to attend to that day and that’s the earliest available time that I have. Also, we were informed by some fan friends that VIP tickets were already sold out as early as the day before, which is why their FC decided to skip it. I was all ready to fight it out with the general public and just prayed that it won’t be as bad as Starmall Alabang.

When I got to the mall, I chanced upon another fan who told me that tickets aren’t sold out yet. In fact, one look at the cordoned off area and it’s quite obvious that not even half of the “Regular” seats were occupied. I also passed by the Concierge and saw that the HLG poster was still up, which means tickets were still available. The crowd outside the barriers was already thick, so I decided to frantically look for something to buy that is worth php500.00, the required purchase to get seats at the VIP section.

After literally just picking up stuff that I didn’t really need and forking out more than php500.00, I ran towards the Concierge. First thing I noticed was that the HLG poster was gone. And then I was told that tickets were already sold out. :cry: My world just crumbled right there. I started blaming myself. I should’ve just trusted my instincts instead of listening to unsolicited advice.

Oh well, life has to move on, right? So I went back to my original plan and looked for a good spot outside the enclosed activity area. I found one near the entrance, behind a few children who went there to get a glimpse of Alden and Kathryn. One of them, a six-year old girl, was said to be a fan of Alden since she was three and was really excited to see him. She wanted to go in, but like me, she and her mom missed out on the tickets. We just prayed that our spot won’t be eventually blocked off as it was totally unobstructed before the show.

After just a few minutes of waiting, the show started. It was ok at the beginning, but things changed when Alden came onstage. Banners started sprouting like mushrooms, one of which effectively blocked off our entire view.

You might think, “Agent P, you can always adjust.” First of all, in that crowd? Not gonna happen. Second of all, I did try to adjust by moving a little bit to the left or right and avoid the LED board. But NOOOO…! It was a MOVING LED BOARD! :asar: Wherever Alden moves, she follows. It’s like she’s deliberately trying to cover anyone behind her who’s trying to see Alden. (Of course it’s not the case, but that’s how it looked like. ) All of us in the back could only cry in exasperation.

I was particularly frustrated because, just the night before at the HLG Concert, I had the exact same experience from another fan club.

The difference is, (1) that group eventually gave up flashing their banner, though I’m not sure if it’s because they were told off by event security; (2) we all paid for our tickets, so I have all the right in the world to complain to the organizers should they refuse to stop being incorrigible bitches.

At Cloverleaf, this is what happened.

I called the attention of one of the guards (not mall guards; event security, I think? I’m not sure if they were hired by the mall or by Star Cinema) and asked him to please tell those people to put down their banners so that we can see the stage. The guy just gave me a smirk. Yes, A SMIRK that tells me, “at bakit kita susundin, sino ka ba?” Ngising aso si Kuya, sayang guwapo pa naman sana. Kaso mukhang gago. Another guy approached us because me, in particular, was already crossing their line out of frustration. I asked him to please, pretty please, tell the fans to put down their banners so that we won’t have to surge forward to get a view of the stage. His response? “Hindi pwede, VIP sila eh.”

Ah ganon. Porke’t nasa VIP section, pwede nang maging inconsiderate. And the way he said it, para kaming aliping saguiguilid na walang karapatang magreklamo kasi hindi kami VIP.

Nakaka-putangina, sa totoo lang. It’s one of those moments where I wanted to say something, but how can I reply when I’m told pointblank that there’s nothing I can do about it?

Prior to the show , the event host approached the people outside the cordoned off area and said, “so bakit kayo nandiyan sa labas? Ayaw n’yo dito sa loob?” in a tone that sounded a lot like, “wala kayong pambili ng ticket?” I actually blurted out, “ahm no, andito kami sa labas kasi naubusan na kami ng ticket” but he was too far to hear it.

Look, it’s not like we wanted to be in that position. I know I don’t want to be in that position, and I tried to do something about it. But I was denied of it. Why do you people have to slap my face with that fact?

In the broader sense, it just drove in the reality of where exactly I currently think I am in this whole Alden fangirl thing. I’m in this place where I really wanted to participate just like before, but through nobody’s fault I am being denied of that fact. It’s not because I’m busy at work. It’s really more like, I decided to keep myself busy at work in order to distract myself from my frustrations as a fangirl.

There, I finally said it.

This photo perfectly defines what I currently feel as a fan of Alden Richards. The fan who had no choice but to distance herself and just support from afar, yet in the few precious opportunities that I get to at least catch a glimpse of him, I get denied of it.

The fan who has to repeatedly tell herself, “just be satisfied with whatever the universe can spare.”

End note: I just realized that Agent P The Drama Queen has returned. :lol: Bigla akong nahiya sa sarili ko. :lmao: I’m still gonna post this, though.


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