I’ve just renewed this blog’s webspace and domain for another two years. Yeah, I know I hardly ever post lately and it would save me lots of money if I just retire it. For some reason – force of habit, maybe – I still chose to renew it.

Now I know why.

For years, I’ve used this blog to unload my thoughts and feelings about anything under the sun. At least, that’s how it used to be. Nowadays, I say something – STOP. I say and do NOTHING, and I still get judged. :shrug: I know I sound incredibly pa-victim by saying that, but hell. If I can’t say exactly what I’m feeling right this moment on my own blog, where else can I say it? If you’re annoyed that I’m being a drama queen, feel free to go somewhere else.

True confession: In my more than two decades of being an active supporter of quite a number of artists, I have never shed as many tears as I am now. You could combine my years of being a fan of Ricky Martin, The Dawn and Rain – a period that spans many, many years – and the times I spent alone bawling my eyes out would not compare to the nearly two years that I’ve cried in this current fandom. You know why? Because in those many, many years that I have been a fan of those artists, I can freely speak my mind without being harshly judged. In those many, many years, something stupid happens and we’d just laugh it all off, or rant about it together.

Nowadays, I do something or even absolutely NOTHING, and people would either avoid me like the plague or keep silent out of fear of being bashed, or join in the collective bashing even if they have no idea exactly what did I do, if at all. I am the type of person who would either scream her head off, or bawl her eyes out. Without an outlet to unload my feelings, I am reduced to just wallowing in my own self-pity. Boo-hoo.

The other night, I ended the day by being annoyed that people are once again making a big issue out of absolutely nothing. I really don’t get it; there was nothing wrong with that Tweet – for the record, I didn’t write nor post that one; I don’t handle any of our group’s social media accounts – yet some people are reacting as if we killed someone. I shrugged it off and got some much needed sleep instead.

I woke up the following morning to a dressing down about that Tweet. I didn’t get it, neither. In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with it. Evidently, the only thing wrong with it is that it was posted at the wrong time. Read: everyone was dying with kilig, and we didn’t join in the bandwagon. Basag trip, ‘ika nga. :rolleyes: What the hell, really.

So I just went on with my usual business for the day, away from all the fandom madness. Then I stumbled upon an email notification and discovered that apparently, I am in the middle of being maligned on socmed because of that Tweet. As in people are specifically tagging me and calling me all sorts of names because of it. I am automatically tagged as the culprit for something that, while I don’t disagree with because there was nothing wrong with it, I did not do. I was proclaimed guilty by association.

Everything just makes me really, REALLY sad, disappointed and just plain exhausted. I don’t know what exactly did I do to deserve this. It’s like being his fan is a sin and I should take all the punishment because I supported him too much. Far too much for their own liking, anyway. Ironically, I am currently on fan-from-a-distance mode. Believe it or not, the last time I actually got anywhere within a 10-ft radius from the guy was way back in January. Yet I still get all the crap even if I unwillingly chose to be hardly visible lately. Tapos magtataka pa sila bakit ako nawala. Tingin n’yo, bakit kaya?

I don’t regret any of the things I did for this fandom. It’s my choice and I have to live with it. Pero minsan nagtatanong na talaga ako sa sarili ko kung bakit parang ang martir (tanga?) ko na. And that’s not a good sign.

I’d probably regret writing this piece later but I feel that if I don’t, I might regret it more. If I continue to remain silent, I’ll develop this resentment and hatred for probably the wrong reasons or towards the wrong people. It’s funny because in the past, I really didn’t care who gets offended as long as I get things out of my chest. I guess it comes with age.

Sorry for rambling. Then again, why should I apologize. It’s my blog, I can say whatever the hell I want. Self-pity is the only thing working for me right now.

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And so it has come to this.

For the past year and a half, I have tried to be as silent as possible. Those who have known me all this time know that being silent is something that is so un-AgentP. I have always been opinionated. I have always been vocal about my views on anything that interests me. I never cared about ruffling feathers. I never back down on an argument, even those that are pointless and offensive.

Being part of this current fandom that I’m in has changed me. I wasn’t lying nor embellishing when I said that being a fan of this artist I’m currently supporting has inspired me (and a lot others) to become a good person. Since I became active in this fandom, I have always considered “him” and “them” before I open my mouth. Sure, there were times when I said things that are ‘controversial’, but then in those times, it became controversial because “they” decided it was controversial. Whoever “they” were. :neutral:

There were times when I was just speaking my mind. But in speaking my mind, I forgot that I belong in a universe – a nation, if you will – where speaking one’s mind is only allowed if you agree with what they want you to think and say. I forgot that I belong in a fandom where one can easily twist your words and make it appear that you’re the one at fault, or worse, present an imaginary situation as fact. I forgot that social media is a very powerful medium that it only takes one influential person to make you look bad in the eyes of the entire virtual world.

It’s funny how much I “discovered” about myself in the past 24 hours. Through social media, I discovered things that I don’t remember doing or saying. I apparently was in places where I never went to; for example, I found out through social media that I was at Alden’s birthday celebration last year and he joked about my bulging tummy. Upon reading that, I doubted myself and actually tried to recall where I was at Alden’s birthday last year. :lmao: Then I realized that Alden doesn’t even know who I am on January 2, 2016, much less joke about my bulging tummy.

I found out through a comment that I Tweeted something offensive last Sunday and quickly deleted it. It’s funny because I stopped going to Twitter since… I don’t even remember when. :shrug: I just use Twitter to cross-post my blog and Instagram feed. I don’t even remember my Twitter password anymore. :hihihi:

I was accused of doing nothing but ask for video greets, hugs and kisses. For the record, I only asked Alden for a video greet a grand total of three times: once, for one of our admins on her birthday because we were in Singapore and there’s no one else to do that for her; and twice, for a certain fanmily that I belonged to but they’re now reduced to throwing shades at me on socmed for reasons only they know. :rolleyes: As for the hugs and kisses… uhm, none of you will probably believe me so just ask Alden himself if I ever asked that from him. I can only remember one time: at HKIA, because if I won’t hug him I’ll collapse right there at the airport.

The people who posted those comments sounded so sure of themselves that even I started questioning myself if I did those things. It’s hilarious and terrifying at the same time.

I really don’t need to explain myself. I just mentioned those instances to demonstrate how much of what is being told about me right now on social media are LIES and MANIPULATION. Don’t worry, guys, I understand. You were told to hate me, so you did. That’s how this fandom rolls.

And since that’s how this fandom rolls, I decided to leave.

I had mentioned on my year-end blog that I am here to stay, regardless of what everyone thinks of me. But there’s a limit to everything and I have reached my limit. It’s one thing to throw nasty comments towards me. I can accept anyone who maligns my physical attributes (because when logic fails, try throwing a personal insult), or accusations of me having hidden desires towards Alden (hahaha!), or even insults toward my photography skills (because, really, even I am not convinced that I’m good at taking photos). But when a few people decided to include my friend’s 10-year old daughter in this madness, I got scared. Not for myself, but for my family. See, this is the type of monsters this fandom has. They are not contented with just destroying the person. They will destroy everything he or she has, including his/her family, his livelihood, his personal life. This fandom will not hesitate at crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed only to show their so-called power.

I was once a part of them, when it was all about the love and good vibes. Nowadays it’s just all about ruthlessness, about power-tripping, about behaving like monsters just to prove that they should not be underestimated.

I refuse to be part of this heartless fandom.

Masyadong mahaba na ang panahong naibigay ko para sa ibang tao. Panahon na siguro para isipin ko naman ang sarili ko. For the safety of my family, friends and my well-being, it’s better for me to stay away.

RJ, alam kong sinabi kong hindi ako bibitiw sa ‘yo. Hindi ako bumitaw. Hinabaan ko lang ang tali. I wish you well and I hope, sometime in the future, we’ll bump into each other again.

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Today, October 17th, marks the anniversary of my being an active supporter of Alden Richards.

Exactly one year ago, I plucked myself out of fangirl retirement to attend the launching of Alden’s Wish I May album. It was my first time to see him in the flesh, and also the first of many of his events that I covered for this blog and the fan clubs that I belong(ed) to. At the time, I never thought that things would come this far. In fact, I came across this post of mine on Facebook about my experience at the WIM launch that had me shaking my head and laughing in amusement. I was just looking for my group photo from the event, but when I saw the caption, I just had to immortalize the entire thing:

wishimaylaunch

Note to my non-Filipino readers: basically, I was just telling on the caption that one day, I will have a photo where I’ll be beside Alden.

One year later, I attended the launch of his next album, and here’s what happened:

sayitagainlaunch

Yup, hindi ko pa rin siya katabi. Ang saklap. :cry:

So many things had happened to me this past year that I sometimes wonder if it’s just an ongoing dream. Last year, all I wanted was just to see him in person. All I wanted was just to take his photos in (relative) peace. One year later, I had exclusive access to some of his events; I’ve had one too many selfies beside him, with him; he already knows who I am and can even spot me from a distance, in the middle of a maddening crowd (me thinks it has something to do with my shiny forehead); I have random strangers on social media who hate me with a passion for no apparent reason (at least, at the Rain fandom, I know exactly why they hate me); and I’ve been branded so many names, from a delusional fangirl who has ‘hidden desires’ towards Alden (uh, excuse me, my desires towards him aren’t hidden; he knows exactly what I want from him, and that is to take his photos without having to battle it out with the crowd), to being branded an “OSF”, or One-Sided Fan. Which is not exactly a bad thing in the strict sense, but not to certain people in this fandom where OSF is synonymous to “basher of the other half of the loveteam.” :kilay: By the way, I still don’t get why I’m being automatically branded an A-OSF when there’s no clear evidence that I’ve bashed Maine on social media and on this blog. Unless you count the random critiques that I sometimes make, but criticism does not equate to bashing (unless you’re a super-sensitive fanatic who regard your idol as a god) and I do that to ANYONE, even my idols. Then again, even if I write lengthily about it, they’d stop at “A-OSF” and “basher ni Maine” and totally disregard the rest of the paragraph, so whatever.

Anyway, I digress.

One year of following Alden has allowed me to witness not just what kind of artist Alden is but also what kind of a person he is. He is pretty much the same in front of the camera and behind it, except he is 10000x more makulit off-cam. :wacky: Everything that I’ve written on this blog about Alden is a testament to his kindness, humility and sincerity. I am looking forward to the next days, months, years of documenting his journey.

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I am now at a point when I’m questioning the clarity of my own words.

Some of you may have noticed how my social media and even my blog posts have been scarce. Only my Instagram has been active because I don’t really need to post words on it. Facebook is another story altogether; I’ve learned to restrict access to my Facebook posts even from some people whom I’ve known personally but don’t really trust (eg., work people :phew: ). The reason for this is, these past few weeks, my words have been twisted so much to the point that I, myself, have wondered if I actually said those things which they say that I said. :shrug:

I’m not even mad. I’m actually amazed at their impeccable story-telling skills. :clap: Manipulating multitudes of people is a talent, you know. A very useful talent in the age of social media.

Funny how it’s easy for anonymous and semi-anonymous netizens to spin webs of lies upon lies until those lies become truths in the eyes of those who just believe them without bothering to check the actual facts. Total strangers would act as if they know you from head to toe when in fact you’ve never even interacted on social media, much more in person. And people buy their version of the truth, for reasons only they know.

I don’t know which one’s worse. The person feeding the lies, or the ones who lap them up without question.

Those who know me from way back are probably really surprised at the current version of Agent P. I am one who never walks away from bashers. I would always defend myself, especially when I know I’m right. I guess maturity came with age (sorry, “maturity” because I still act like a child most of the time :lol: ). That, or someone’s voice keeps ringing in my head every time I get bashed on social media.

That voice tells me, “Ate Pau, huwag mo na lang silang pansinin.” (Ate Pau, just ignore them.)

That statement will become my mantra while I am on this fandom. Unless there is a dire need to unleash the beast inside me. :evil:

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About two weeks ago, I hibernated from Twitter.

I have been a fangirl for most of my life. I am not new to arguing on the internet; people who knew me from the bandstalker and K-pop era know that too well. I don’t mince words. I say what I want to say. When I choose to get involved on something, I see it through the end.

But this current fandom of mine is different. In my decade-and-a-half experience on social media, this is the first time where people actually wait for whatever I will say, just to pounce on it. They don’t stop even if I stopped.

I went underground not because I can’t defend myself. As far as I’m concerned, I did nothing wrong. I know I did nothing wrong. I also know that what happened to me was brought about by extreme bitterness of my very existence in this fandom and not because they are *concerned* :rolleyes: about the well-being of our supported artist. In order to protect the artist and the group that I’m in, I have to stay quiet.

I brought my Twitter back today to show support for Alden Richards. He’s appearing on Encantadia for the first time, and there’s a Twitter-trending thing that I want to participate in. I got attacked as soon as I posted my first Tweet fresh from hibernation. I got welcomed with more mockery of my existence.

I should be sad. I should be angry. But why should I, when I have this photo from last night’s impromptu gathering with Alden and Alden International that I could look at?

(c)Alden International

They can wallow in their bitterness all they want. I’m happy. We’re happy. Who cares what other people think, say and do? As that Mariah song would say, “they can try, but they can’t take that away from me.”

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