And so it has come to this.
For the past year and a half, I have tried to be as silent as possible. Those who have known me all this time know that being silent is something that is so un-AgentP. I have always been opinionated. I have always been vocal about my views on anything that interests me. I never cared about ruffling feathers. I never back down on an argument, even those that are pointless and offensive.
Being part of this current fandom that I’m in has changed me. I wasn’t lying nor embellishing when I said that being a fan of this artist I’m currently supporting has inspired me (and a lot others) to become a good person. Since I became active in this fandom, I have always considered “him” and “them” before I open my mouth. Sure, there were times when I said things that are ‘controversial’, but then in those times, it became controversial because “they” decided it was controversial. Whoever “they” were.
There were times when I was just speaking my mind. But in speaking my mind, I forgot that I belong in a universe – a nation, if you will – where speaking one’s mind is only allowed if you agree with what they want you to think and say. I forgot that I belong in a fandom where one can easily twist your words and make it appear that you’re the one at fault, or worse, present an imaginary situation as fact. I forgot that social media is a very powerful medium that it only takes one influential person to make you look bad in the eyes of the entire virtual world.
It’s funny how much I “discovered” about myself in the past 24 hours. Through social media, I discovered things that I don’t remember doing or saying. I apparently was in places where I never went to; for example, I found out through social media that I was at Alden’s birthday celebration last year and he joked about my bulging tummy. Upon reading that, I doubted myself and actually tried to recall where I was at Alden’s birthday last year. Then I realized that Alden doesn’t even know who I am on January 2, 2016, much less joke about my bulging tummy.
I found out through a comment that I Tweeted something offensive last Sunday and quickly deleted it. It’s funny because I stopped going to Twitter since… I don’t even remember when. I just use Twitter to cross-post my blog and Instagram feed. I don’t even remember my Twitter password anymore.
I was accused of doing nothing but ask for video greets, hugs and kisses. For the record, I only asked Alden for a video greet a grand total of three times: once, for one of our admins on her birthday because we were in Singapore and there’s no one else to do that for her; and twice, for a certain fanmily that I belonged to but they’re now reduced to throwing shades at me on socmed for reasons only they know. As for the hugs and kisses… uhm, none of you will probably believe me so just ask Alden himself if I ever asked that from him. I can only remember one time: at HKIA, because if I won’t hug him I’ll collapse right there at the airport.
The people who posted those comments sounded so sure of themselves that even I started questioning myself if I did those things. It’s hilarious and terrifying at the same time.
I really don’t need to explain myself. I just mentioned those instances to demonstrate how much of what is being told about me right now on social media are LIES and MANIPULATION. Don’t worry, guys, I understand. You were told to hate me, so you did. That’s how this fandom rolls.
And since that’s how this fandom rolls, I decided to leave.
I had mentioned on my year-end blog that I am here to stay, regardless of what everyone thinks of me. But there’s a limit to everything and I have reached my limit. It’s one thing to throw nasty comments towards me. I can accept anyone who maligns my physical attributes (because when logic fails, try throwing a personal insult), or accusations of me having hidden desires towards Alden (hahaha!), or even insults toward my photography skills (because, really, even I am not convinced that I’m good at taking photos). But when a few people decided to include my friend’s 10-year old daughter in this madness, I got scared. Not for myself, but for my family. See, this is the type of monsters this fandom has. They are not contented with just destroying the person. They will destroy everything he or she has, including his/her family, his livelihood, his personal life. This fandom will not hesitate at crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed only to show their so-called power.
I was once a part of them, when it was all about the love and good vibes. Nowadays it’s just all about ruthlessness, about power-tripping, about behaving like monsters just to prove that they should not be underestimated.
I refuse to be part of this heartless fandom.
Masyadong mahaba na ang panahong naibigay ko para sa ibang tao. Panahon na siguro para isipin ko naman ang sarili ko. For the safety of my family, friends and my well-being, it’s better for me to stay away.
RJ, alam kong sinabi kong hindi ako bibitiw sa ‘yo. Hindi ako bumitaw. Hinabaan ko lang ang tali. I wish you well and I hope, sometime in the future, we’ll bump into each other again.